Biophilliac Mommy: Birth announcement

Wow, childbirth. I must admit that even though I read many books about birth and believed that I knew what to expect, I am not convinced that anything can completely prepare you for the actual event. I am sure childbirth is different for every single person and that the experience will be different depending on the circumstances (time of day, energy levels, etc.). I had an amazing childbirth experience, and although it was the most difficult thing I have ever done, I have never felt so accomplished and happy when it was over.

My labor started at 3:00 am on Saturday the 6th of August. I woke up in the night feeling like I was have menstural cramps and a tummy ache. Prior to that morning when I was having contractions, I would feel my whole stomach and abdomen tighten and lift. While it was somewhat breathtaking, it never felt painful and sometimes even made me feel pleasantly euphoric. Early Saturday morning though when I started having contractions, the tightening and lifting sensation in my belly was combined with the cramping, and the contractions felt very intense and uncomfortable. At that point they were not so intense though, and I managed to fall in and out of sleep until about 7 am. I knew that these were real contractions this time, and I was eagerly hoping that I would wake up in the morning and find that the contractions were already less than 5 minutes apart and that I would be able to go to the birthplace and have my baby after a good night of rest. But when I woke up, the contractions were much more intense, but still about 15-30 minutes apart.

To deal with the intensity of the contractions, I found that I really needed to be in a relaxed and meditative state. So whenever I felt one coming on, I tried to relax my entire body and take deep, long breathes. Early in the day, I was able to do this sitting anywhere, and was able to enjoy an egg, cheese, fake ham, tomato and spinach sandwich for breakfast at the table. After breakfast, Robbie and I played a couple games of Ascension. By then my contractions were 10-15 minutes apart, and Robbie would know I was having a contraction because I would have to close my eyes and go limp, otherwise it would start to hurt. It was such a beautiful day outside that we decided to go for a walk around the block to get some fresh air and see if walking helped to ease any discomfort. Walking seemed to slow the contractions down a little, but I soon grew tired and hot and we headed back home so I could take a shower and get some lunch. After my shower, the contractions started getting even more intense and were 5-10 minutes apart. I found that I needed to be even more focused or I would squirm and tense up with discomfort. So I took out my yoga bolster and sat in Baddha Konasana. This pose helps to widen the pelvic floor and diaphragm as relaxes the sacroiliac are which creates space for deeper breathing. I felt really comfortable and peaceful in this pose, and it truly helped me stay relaxed. Sometimes if I was having a really intense contraction, I found that it helped if Robbie held my arms up in the air giving me even more space to work through the contractions. Although Baddha Konasana became my favored pose to work through contractions, I also tried Upavishtha Konasana (legs wide apart) and Malasana (squatting on bolter), which were fine if I wasn't having a terribly strong contraction and helped my bottom not be so sore from sitting the same way for an extended period of time. As you know, I had taken a Hypnobirthing class to prepare for labor, so I was making sure to stay calm, relaxed, and confident throughout the experience. However, when I was trying to focus on breathing in and out for long periods of time, I found myself getting really frustrated that I couldn't count up as high as I could when I had been practicing (I would try to count up and down from twenty). So eventually I gave up on that and started saying the "so-ham" mantra from yoga instead, which consisted of me uttering "so-o-o-o" while inhaling and "ha-a-a-am" while exhaling. This helped me to give undivided concentration for deep and quiet breathing, and helped me to remain much more relaxed.

For lunch Robbie and I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with grapes and cheese crackers and we watched an episode of friends (The one where Rachel is late). I thought I would be able to relate since I was also almost two weeks after my due date, and it was good to be laughing. However, we did have to pause the show whenever I was having contractions, otherwise I wasn't able to relax very well and it would hurt really bad. By the end of the show I was starting to get really uncomfortable. The contractions made me have to go to the bathroom all the time, and the constant wiping and pressure from contractions led to me getting a hemorrhoid. I had never had one before and it wasn't very pleasant as it made the rest of labor and birth even more uncomfortable. I'm sorry if this may seem like too much information, but it happens very commonly during labor and really plays a huge role in your comfort level throughout. By 4:00 pm, my contractions were strong lasting 1-2 minutes and occurring every 3-4 minutes. At that point I had brought my bolster onto our bed against the wall and was focusing on relaxing. As part of practicing for Hypnobirthing, I had been listening to affirmations for a smooth and easy birth, and Robbie turned those on for me to help me stay focused. Listening to the birth affirmations really helped me regather myself and feel prepared for the big job ahead of me. After a little while, I started to get hungry again so Robbie ordered a pizza for us. I slowly nibbled on a piece for about an hour. At 5:30, the contractions were still 3-4 minutes apart so we decided to call up Back Cove Midwives. Jen was on call and she asked us a bunch of questions about how I was feeling. She told us to come into the birthplace when we couldn't stand to be home any longer. I thought that was silly since I was very comfortable at home and would probably be happy never leaving. But I decided that being in the car was probably going to be uncomfortable and if I waited much longer I would have to deal with several contractions on the way over rather than one or two. So we decided to head over to the birthplace to get checked.

Sitting in Baddha Konasana while in active labor at home

The car ride over thankfully was short; only about ten minutes long. We listened to the birth affirmations on the way over. There was quite a bit of traffic on Commercial Street which made me cranky, but fortunately I only had one contraction on the way over. That contraction however was extremely unpleasant, and I had a hard time relaxing and keeping my cool. I was glad the next one came when I was getting out of the car and I could stand up and just rock my hips and feel calm and not in pain. To get checked to see if I was actually in labor and ready to be admitted, we went to triage first. There I knew that I would not be able to deal with the contractions lying on my back for 20-30 minutes, so they allowed me to put my bolster on the bed with the back of the bed raised vertically for me to rest my back against. I then sat in Baddha Konasana whicle I was strapped to some monitors around my middle that measured my contractions and Meo's heart rate. Everything looked good: my contractions were close together and Meo's heart sounded as strong as a horse's. The nurses were impressed by how calm I was through the contractions, saying that the only way they could tell it was really intense was that I couldn't talk to them and had to shut my eyes. Jen, my midwife, wanted to check me to see how far along I was to make sure it made sense to send me to a room. I was nervous because I knew that getting checked hurt, that it would hurt even more if I was having a contraction at the time, and I was worried that I would only be a couple centimeters dilated and have to be sent home. They waited until after a contraction was over and then checked me to find that I was already 6-7 centimeters dilated. Yay! I got to go to my room.

They were going to put us in a room with a water view but the birth place was really busy that night. My midwife Jen had already birthed one baby that evening and was on her way to deliver another one after checking on me. My nurse for labor and delivery was Carey and she was really great! She showed us around the room and helped me to get comfortable. I set my bolster up against a wall and sat in Baddaha Konasana. We had told my parents that we were going in to get checked and that they needn't come in to Portland until we knew the results of the exam. However they were very eager and they were already there before we were even done getting checked. So my mom, my dad, and my step-mom came into the room to see how I was doing. It was nice to see them and they were good about quietly watching while I focused on my contractions. At one point my dad offered to let me play his PSP, which I laughed at and said "no, thank you." My step-mom made him put it away. Eventually I got up and found it comfortable to work through the contractions by leaning against Robbie and slow dancing. Eventually I decided I wanted to try a shower for the pain. We sent out parents out of the room so we could be alone.

Robbie helping me get more space during an intense contraction

Robbie helping me relax during a contraction

Sitting in Malasana through a contraction

Sitting in Upavishtha Konasana through a contraction

Keeping my face relaxed during contractions

My moms visiting while I was in labor

The shower felt really nice and I stayed in there for quite some time, enjoying the feel of warm water against my stomach and back. Robbie was in his swim trunks as I leaned up against him and let the water drip on my head. Eventually I decided that I wanted to get out and do something more restful. By that time it was getting pretty late and I was starting to get really tired. The contractions were really close together, about a minute apart, and really intense. Both Carey and Jen were in the room at this point and kept encouraging me to try different positions. I was feeling a lot of discomfort and nothing I did nor any position I took changed that. Since I was tired they suggested I try lying down on my side. That was agonizing. After one contraction I begged to do something else. From that point on I tried my hand and knees, sitting on a birth ball, leaned against the bed, stood up holding on to Robbie, and then I tried the tub.

I thought the tub would be comfortable, but I found with each contraction that I would get extremely hot and be really uncomfortable. I had a hard time moving around and getting out of the tub, so I knelt half out of the tub while they dripped ice water down my back, gave me cool wash cloths, and pointed fans at me. I was slowly working up enough strength and will to get out of the tub. All the while Carey pushed a Doppler up against my belly to make sure Meo maintained a strong heartbeat.

After the tub I was even more tired and each contraction was extremely painful. I was starting to feel like I wanted to push, but not very strongly. They suggested I labor over a toilet for a little while, which I did but eventually that was very uncomfortable. I ended up on my hands and knees on the bathroom floor with my head lying on a stool. I was starting to get the urge to push strongly now.

They really wanted to do an exam on me to make sure I was progressing, I thought they were crazy! I was in so much pain at this point that I couldn't imagine Jen putting anything inside me. But somehow I ended up back on the hospital bed on my side, almost in tears, getting an exam. I was fully dilated but with one little lip remaining. I asked if pushing was going to be easier than the transition period was. Carey said that most women prefer it since they feel like that have something to do and that they are accomplishing something. I found it was most comfortable to be on my hands and knees and would push myself down into child pose with each contraction. The urge to push was overwhelming and I couldn't believe how strongly my muscles worked to push the baby down. I honestly don't know how I could push so hard.

It was 2 o'clock in the morning when I started pushing. For some reason I thought it would only take a few pushed and I would be holding my little Meo in my arms. The midwife and nurse gave me lots of encouragement. They said they could see the baby's head and that I was a really strong pusher every time I pushed. Carey repeatably yelled with excitement, "That's how you push that baby out!" After each time they encouraged me I would ask how much of the head was out. I hadn't realized that his head was start getting pushed out and then recede each time. After each really big push I would try to keep flexing my muscles there to keep the baby from going back in. All the while the nurse was pushing the Doppler device against my abdomen, which was uncomfortable and agitated me. It was necessary of course. Meo's heart rate was starting to drop during my contractions. Jen said that she knew I wanted to use Hypnobirthing and relax and breathe the baby down but that it was really appropriate anymore because the baby was really big, my hips were small, and he was getting squished, making it hard for him. She told me to go with my instincts to push hard and that I would get him out sooner. Once again I found myself traveling around the room pushing in various positions.

I tried sitting on a birthing stool for a while. We tried going in the shower again, where Robbie sung me a lullaby and I was able to relax a little. I spent most of my time on my hands and knees, either on the floor or on the bed. My hands were shaking from holding myself up so much. I grew more and more exhausted with each contraction. I was having a hard time to relax but I tried really hard to keep my muscles free from tension.

I tried to trust my body to be able to do the job that needed to be done. In order to really let go and let the animal in me take over I found that chanting a single sustained sound through each push helped me to focus and let go. I was hungry, thirsty and tired, but I didn't feel like eating and I forced myself to take sips of water between pushes. Since the baby's heart rate was dropping they also had me taking in breaths from an oxygen mask between pushes.

Through all the pushing my water had broke, so everywhere I went I left pools of amniotic fluid and blood. At one point I was pushing really hard and felt this big sphere push through. I thought for sure it must be the baby's head and was disappointed when a huge splash hit the floor, leaving me kneeling in a huge puddle of my water. The nurses knew that I favored pushing from my hands and knees, but they said that they tended to see more progress when I was in a position that made me uncomfortable: on my side. They urged me to get onto the bed and push from my side again. I did a couple of pushes this way but found the pain so intense that I was screaming and felt like I was going to die.

Knowing the answer already, I asked if it was too late for medication. They didn't really answer me, and I didn't really want it but I felt the need to ask. I begged to go back into the tub, hoping that the water would bring me some relief. They told me that they were worried that it would slow things down and the baby really needed to get out, but I said that I felt like I wasn't going to be able to go on and that I need some comfort so I wouldn't just give up and die. So they let me go in the tub but it didn't help at all. The contractions were still just as intense so I got out as soon as I could and went back to my comfort position, on my hands and knees with my head resting on Robbie's shoulder. I was worried that I would be too loud with my head next to his ear. He said he didn't like his ears anyway. During the next contraction I screamed at the top of my lungs which he found quite shocking. At some point I also tried to bite Robbie's shoulder. He yelled out, "Don't bite me!" which snapped me out of it and made me realize what I was doing. I really did feel like an animal.

With each push they continued to tell me that I was doing a really good job and I had really strong pushes, but I was starting to get frustrated that I wasn't making and progress at all. They assured me that one of these times his head woudn't go back in and that more and more was showing each time. Robbie agreed with them and I was surprised that he could see his head. I thought he was still deep inside but he said he could see Meo's head. Jen told me the next time I pushed I could reach down a feel it. So, the next time I put my fingers there and I felt his furry little head which was amazing and gave me a little more strength to keep going.

They convinced me to get back on my side and it was there that I finally pushed hard enough that his head stopped receding. It wasn't much longer until I pushed his head completely out, which felt like a huge relief. I remembered from the baby books that getting the head out was the hard part and was excited that my baby was going to be in my arms shortly. In a few more pushes I felt his shoulders slip through me and then the rest of him with one last big push. At 4:16 am Jen said, "Grab your baby!" and flopped him onto my belly like a big wet fish. I couldn't believe how huge and long he was. His eyes were wide open and he looked right at me.

I cried.

I was shocked to see how alert he was and how perfect he seemed. I clung to him as he lay on my chest while the nurse and midwife rubbed his back vigorously, trying to get him to breathe and make his first scream. Despite having all of the fluid squeezed out of him during labor he had manager to take in a big gulp of mucus on the way out. So they quickly clamped the cord and in sleep deprived fog Robbie severed the last remaining physical bond between me and my baby. They whisked him away to a nearby warming table to suction the mucus out of his lungs and get him to cry. I missed him immediately and even though he was only gone for five minutes I asked about ten times where my baby was and why it was taking so long. Thankfully I heard the sweet sound of his cry and they gave him back to me, slimy, perfect, and new.

Mattimeo looked at me with beautiful blue eyes wide open as he lay with his bare skin against my bare skin. They draped a blanket over the two of us to keep him warm, and I guided him towards my breast to try to get him to nurse. Within ten minutes he had a perfect latch and was successfully nursing. The nurse said that we were made perfectly for each other. I was so happy, and it felt so wonderfully weird to have him suckling from my breast. He stayed there for an hour and a half, switching from one breast to another. Having such a successful first experience made me feel much more confident that I would be able to handle motherhood.

Our first moments together

First feeding

Meanwhile, the birthing experience was not quite over. I still needed to birth my placenta. Jen checked to make sure the placenta was unattached but gently tugging on the cord. She encouraged me to push a little to try to get it out. At that point, I had absolutely no desire to push anymore. I half heartily pushed once in a while. She offered to give me a shot of pitocin in my thigh to get some contractions going to help the process along. I said, "Ha, no way." Eventually my little pushes lead to me getting fed up with everyone fussing around me and I gave two big pushes and birthed my giant placenta. I asked to see it and was surprised by how utterly gigantic it was. I was also relieved that it was finally over. Oh, how I wish that it were. Jen still needed to check me for tears. My cervix was intact nicely, but unfortunately I managed to tear both sides of my labia. I was really surprised, I didn't even realize that could happen. She told me they don't normally have to stitch up those kinds of tears, but since there was one on both sides, she said that one side should be sewn closed so my labia didn't heal together. Supposedly she numbed the skin there, but I swear I felt every needle prick as she stitched me. I guess everything was just so sore and tender that even numbing it didn't make the pain non-existent. They told me just keep focusing on my beautiful baby, but it was hard! That whole area was swollen and extremely tender. Plus the nurse started massaging my uterus to help it to go back to its normal size, which hurt a lot. Eventually she showed me how to do it myself so that I didn't have to deal with people poking at me anymore. Then, finally, it was just me and my little family.

Around 5:30 am I decided it would be okay to let our family in to see him. I couldn't believe they stayed that whole time, they must have been exhausted! Robbie went out to tell them the good news. He said that his mom ran up to hug him and said, "Congratulations!" and hugged him. Then she looked at his face and said, "You've had a hard night haven't you", and that's when Robbie broke down and started crying. Poor Robbie, I can't imagine what he must have went through seeing me in so much pain and so exhausted. I'm not sure I would have been able to handle seeing him like that. But he was so calm and so strong the whole time, he was exactly what I needed him to be and I honestly believe I would not have been able to do it without him. Just knowing he was there, and hearing he words of encouragement, and having him remind me to relax, to breathe, to drink, and that the baby would actually be born at some point saved me. Robbie is my hero.

My mom, dad, step mom, sister, and Robbie's mom and dad all joined us in the room to meet the newest member of the family. It was such a precious moment, and I am glad they all stayed to see him. My sister held his little hand and he grabbed onto her finger. They all stayed for a while to admire him, and about 2.5 hours after his birth they asked if I wanted to weigh and measure him. I decided that we had plenty of skin-to-skin time and that going away for 2 minutes would be okay...plus I was curious! My mom picked him up and got to hold him for the first time as she carried him over to the scale. He weighed 9 pounds and measured 21.5 inches long! Not bad for a 5 foot tall vegetarian! No wonder my belly was so big! Mattimeo is perfect in every way. I must admit I was relieved when he came out to see that he was such a beautiful boy. He has lots of brown hair, which means that he is going to have nice thick hair like his daddy (I didn't have hair until I was over a year old!). He has huge feet with long monkey toes, which he got from me. He has cute lips with a dimple on his top lip. He started smiling the day he was born. He is so precious, and we already are overflowing with love for him.

Our first visitors; Sam holding his hand

Robbie with his dad

Robbie with his parents

Me and my parents looking at Meo

Me and my mom admiring Meo

Mom carrying Meo over to the scale

Meo getting weighed and measured by Carey

Meo getting weighed and measured

Robbie and Meo a while after he had his vitamin K gel

So there you have it! While I was trying to push the baby out, I remember thinking that Mattimeo might be our only child because there was no way in hell I would be able to go through that again. Now he is exactly one week old, and I have already warmed up to the idea of doing it all over again. Even if it hurt, and caused me more pain than I have ever felt in my entire life combined, I would do it all over again. I have never felt more accomplished in my whole life (even after completing college and graduate school I only felt a sliver as accomplished as I did after Mattimeo was born). Plus I had the most amazing pregnancy experience. I feel that even though I did feel a lot of pain in the end, that Hypnobirthing still did wonders for me. It kept me calm and without pain through early labor, active labor, and even part of transition. And even when I was having intense pain, it helped me to not fight it and just let my body do what needed to be done. It helped me to breath and stay focus between contractions and pushes, and gave me the strength to keep going. I am convinced that if I hadn't been so utterly exhausted and hungry that I might have been able to get through it with a lot less pain, and I am sure that there are plenty of people have successfully done so. I am really happy and proud of my birth experience. I am so glad that I didn't use any medication. Seeing him so alert with wide eyes looking at me, and being able to breastfeed so quickly made it all worthwhile. I will always treasure the experience of birthing my little creature, Mattimeo.